The Supply Teacher
by Princess-Perfect
Summary: Anyone who knows about Alice in Wonderland knows about the mad and furious Queen of Hearts. But what if the Queen of Hearts subtituted for an English class? Read this story to find out!


The Substitute Teacher

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Alice in Wonderland. Lewis Carroll does, and a bit of Disney (well, at least the stuff they made up like the 'unbirthday' thing and everything). And I don't own the meat Spam. I also used the idea of a hat that says "ACTING DUMB" from a manga I read called Kodomo No Om Ocha.

Author's Note: Hey reader(s)! I wrote this story as an assignment in Grade 7, but decided to rewrite it. So here it is!

I knew Mrs. Silvario, my cheerful and young homeroom/English teacher, wasn't feeling well yesterday and doubted she'd be in today. My suspicions were confirmed when I noticed her car missing from the staff parking lot. The news of her absence travelled quickly and the buzz of her replacement could not be ignored. Could what I was hearing possibly be true? I would have to judge this supply for myself. When I walked into the room for homeroom, I couldn't believe my eyes.

"Hurry to your seats everyone, or it's off with your heads!"

At the front of the class taking Mrs. Silvario's place was the Queen of Hearts. Everyone in my class stood in shock at our usual teacher's replacement. As soon as we regained our senses, we slowly walked to our desks as if to walk too quickly would disturb her. I was amazed. The woman looked exactly like the Queen of Hearts in the movie Alice in Wonderland; she was a large lady who wore a large crown and an extremely wide dress of hearts in the colours of black, white and red. I was frightened yet thrilled, Alice in Wonderland being my favourite book, and since my name was Alice and I looked like the drawings of her in the novel, I felt I was Alice in the story. In a way, I thought this whole entire supply-being-the-Queen-of-Hearts thing was a practical joke.

"Hello, royal subjects!" welcomed the woman in a booming voice. "I would like to confirm that your usual teacher isn't feeling well today and needed to be replaced. I will be your supply teacher for homeroom and English class, and you may address me as Your Majesty, the Queen of Hearts. Any misbehaving in this classroom will cost you your head. Is that clear?"

"Yes," we all said in unison, our voices shaking from fright.

"Since that's settled, we'll start doing the attendance." Just when "Her Majesty, the Queen of Hearts" opened the attendance booklet and was about to do roll call, Suzie Madinzki, a punk girl (with purple spiked hair, piercings, spiky jewellery, the works) who was the worst kid in class, interrupted her after popping the bubble she made with her gum and spoke to the Queen of Hearts.

"Yo Miss, I need to go to the washroom," she spoke rudely as she was about to get out of her seat. "I'm going to leave now, all right?"

I couldn't believe the nerve Suzie had to speak to a woman like that, one who threatened to cut off her head! I had never seen anyone's face turn such a dark shade of red as the Queen at that moment, nor had I ever seen anyone have smoke come out of their ears.

"How dare you speak to me that way!" yelled the Queen. "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"

At that moment, two of her guards looking like cards barged into the room and dragged Suzie away as she kicked and screamed. Terrified to be beheaded but my curiosity burned inside of me so much I couldn't ignore it, I lifted up my hand to ask a question.

"Yes?" questioned the Queen in an annoyed look. I didn't want to agitate her, so I decided to act very sweetly. I'd rather be her teacher's pet than a headless one.

"Your Most Wonderful Highness, the Queen of Hearts," I addressed her, "though I would never question your magnificent reign, I just had to ask you a question: are you really going to cut off Suzie's head?"

"That is none of your business, though I appreciate your politeness," she said to me gently. Her answer to my question made me tremble, but the fact that she seemed to like me calmed me down a bit. Following that event, she did the attendance.

"Agdalena, Lina?" she called out.

"Present," said Lina, a small girl with long, black hair.

"Brians, George?"

"Present," said George, an extremely tall boy who almost looked exactly like a younger version of Michael Jordan.

"Cyndi... Cyndiana... Cyndianan... opolis, Gertrude?" she said with difficulty, pronouncing the C in her last name as a K and the Os like in orange.

"Miss Queen of Hearts," spoke Gertrude, a large girl with red pigtails, "It's Cyndiananopolis. You pronounce the C like an S, and the Os like in 'olive' - "

"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY ABILITY TO READ!!!" screamed the Queen of Hearts at the top of her lungs. "OFF WITH HER HEAD!!"

Yet again, two card guards burst into the classroom and dragged away Gertrude (with difficulty). The Queen of Hearts quickly forgot about the incident and cleared her throat.

"Dolly, Alice?"

"Present," I said shyly, though I'm afraid my soft voice nor my previous politeness didn't stop her from giving me an uncomfortable stare.

"Your name is Alice, am I right?"

"Yes, you're absolutely right," I answered her.

The Queen of Hearts, after staring at me for a long time, closed the attendance book and walked over to my desk. She put her hands (holding the attendance book) behind her back and looked at me curiously.

"You remind me of someone," she stated seriously. "This someone was a little girl, and her name was also Alice and looked exactly like you. Are you this Alice?"

"S-sorry, I-I'm not who you're t-talking about, Y-your Majesty," I stuttered in fear.

"That's not how you speak to the Queen of Hearts!" she said in a booming voice. "You must speak proudly and clearly. Stand up!"

I jumped out of my seat and stood up. All eyes in the classroom were glued on me.

"Curtsy and say in a clear and proud voice what you wanted to say to me!"

I was quite thankful that I decided to wear my uniform skirt (at our school, we have to wear uniform - unfortunately, though the girls have a choice of wearing skirts or pants), and pulled at the sides of my skirt and bent my knees. "Sorry, I'm not who you were talking about, Your Majesty," I said in a successfully clear and proud voice.

"And are you sure we have never met before?" enquired the Queen.

"Yes, I am sure we have never met before this day, Your Majesty," I said with clarity and another curtsy.

I had thought that she would have been done with me after that, but unfortunately, she kept on staring at me.

"Do you play croquet?" she questioned in a shrill voice.

"No, Your Majesty," I spoke, and though it seemed to be exaggerated, I curtsied again, "though I would like to learn."

"Interesting," muttered the Queen, "and you may stop curtsying and sit down."

I sat down in my seat faster than she said the order, and sat quietly in my seat for roll call to be finished. The Queen of Hearts continued to do attendance. Everyone made sure to not correct the Queen with names (even though she made many mistakes with names) for the safety of their necks.

The Queen ordered George to bring the attendance down to the office (and George did so very quickly for fear of getting in trouble if he took too long). Only a few seconds after George had come back, we heard a curious voice in the hallway.

"Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!" muttered a small voice behind the door. "I'm late, I'm late!"

Suddenly, the door burst open and there stood a panicked white rabbit, standing like a human while carrying a binder as if ready for class and wearing the school uniform (black pants, white collared shirt and red vest), as he gave quick glances at his watch. The White Rabbit from the story!

"Oh dear! Oh dear!" he squeaked as he took in deep breaths. "Your Majesty, I'm sorry to be late for class! I - "

"Silence!" spoke the Queen in a thundering voice. "You are not supposed to be in this classroom until fourth period."

"But Your Majesty, it says on my schedule here," said the White Rabbit as he pulled out a class schedule from his binder, "that I am to be in Room 304 for homeroom."

"Yes, but this is Room 204, not Room 304! Room 304 is upstairs, now go immediately - or it's off with your head!"

"Yes, Your Majesty!" squeaked the White Rabbit as it ran off away to its real homeroom.

A few minutes later, the intercom turned on and we all stood up for the national anthem (and for your information, it was the Canadian anthem). Every student in the classroom tried their hardest to keep themselves from bursting out laughing while listening to the Queen of Hearts sing loudly and horrifically to an anthem she barely knew the words to. Unfortunately, four of my classmates didn't succeed at stopping themselves from laughing and were hauled off by guards. When the playing of the nation anthem was done, we all sat in our seats to listen to the announcements.

It was less than a minute after the announcements were finished that the bell rang, signalling the end of homeroom. When the bell rang through the school to start the first period of the day, the Queen of Hearts started the lesson.

"Your usual teacher, Mrs. Silvario, was too ill to have the chance to send to me what the lesson plan was for today, and instead notified me that I could teach anything I pleased, as long as it had something to do with English."

Immediately, Michael Templeton (the teacher's pet, and was rather nerdy and annoying to everyone except the teachers) raised his hand to ask a question, and the speed he raised his head could have broken the sound barrier.

"Yes?" questioned the Queen, curiously looking at the strange boy with giant glasses and greasy, slicked black hair.

"Your Majesty, I know exactly where we are in our lessons. At the beginning of each class, we always correct last night's homework, and then we go on to reading out loud the next section in our English text books - "

"Excuse me, but who is in charge of this class?!?!" screeched the Queen of Hearts.

"You, Your Majesty," said Michael in shock. "SO WHY DO YOU QUESTION MY ABILITY TO TEACH?!?!?"

"I didn't mean to, Your Majesty!"

"OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!"

Like routine, the guards burst into the door and dragged Michael Templeton away as he struggled to escape. If they were going to have so many students taken away, why not just leave the door open?

"Your Majesty, I'm an excellent student. If you only kept me in the class, I'd make sure all of the questions were answered. I'll do any errands you need!"

"Would you hurry up with taking him out of the class already?" ordered the Queen to her guards.

"Right away, Your Majesty!" spoke one of the cards (he was a 3 of hearts), and they hurried their business a lot faster and closed the door behind them. Everyone could hear Michael's kicking and shouts in the hallway slowly becoming quieter as he got further and further away.

"Thank goodness he's gone!" huffed the Queen of Hearts. "On with the lesson! Let's forgot this correcting of homework and reading from your English textbooks and start on MY lesson plan. For today's lesson, I'm going to read out loud a novel I have just written," she said in an excited tone. "I will read the first two chapters out loud and then you will answer questions. You - no, not you! - the redheaded girl at the right next to the book case, pass out the books on the book case there!"

The Queen pointed to a large number of books on top of the long but low wooden book case against the right wall of the classroom. Helen Prolini, the red-headed girl the Queen of Hearts was talking to, started to pick up some of the books and pass them out. When I received my copy of the hardcover book, I immediately studied it and read its title, READ THIS BOOK OR IT'S OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!. It was easy to tell that the Queen had written it.

"The books that are being passed out," spoke the Queen, "were written by myself, the Queen, as a form of amusement. I had decided to start the hobby when I was terribly bored from there not being any good excuses for me to order someone's head off. It's a story inspired by my own life and the accomplishments and tragedies I have faced as Queen. All of you have received your books, so you may open them and turn to page 1.

"Hem, hem, hem!" said the Queen to start off. "Chapter 1: The Beginning. Once upon the time there was a Queen of Hearts named the Queen of Hearts, who ruled as Queen of Hearts with the King of Hearts named the King of Hearts. The Queen of Hearts ruled as the Queen of Hearts very well and with a very regal manner, making sure her authority was proven by beheading anyone who defied her, didn't respect her, or who she just didn't like..."

Oh, how boring could this get! I thought to myself, my eyelids feeling so heavy. I looked around the classroom, and realized this was the case for everyone else. Every single person in that room looked tired, especially those who yawned so loud that the Queen saw them and made her guards haul them off. I was almost sure I would be the next to yawn out so loud the Queen would recognize it, but before I could give in to yawning, the boring autobiographical first chapter was done and Her Majesty started on the next chapter.

"Chapter 2: Meeting the Duchess. Of all her years as the Queen of Hearts, the Queen of Hearts never met the Duchess, a woman said to be chaotic, ugly, mad, and quite queer. She thought that the Duchess would make an interesting guest for their usual court events, so the King and Queen of Hearts invited her to the approaching croquet party. Though the Queen of Hearts wasn't sure about inviting the Duchess, the King of Hearts reassured everything would go all right or he'll cut the Duchess' head off.

"The croquet party approached quickly, and before the Queen knew it, it was the day the croquet party would take place. The Queen's guards were busy tending to getting the party ready; they cut the grass, made sure the Queen's red roses looked as pretty as possible, brought out the tables of cocktails and snacks, got the flamingos and hedgehogs ready, and more.

"At noon, the croquet party officially began, and courtiers and guests started arriving. The Queen of Hearts welcomed them all but kept a lookout for the Duchess. Half an hour later, all the guests had arrived except for the Duchess.

"Just when the Queen was sure that she'd get her guards to find the Duchess and cut off her head, in came from the entrance a large and big-headed woman holding a crying and rather ugly baby, with a cook bending over a hovering stove with a steaming pot on it and adding far too much pepper in the soup. The Duchess moved as if she glided above the grass, and very much ignored her crying and sneezing baby in her arms. Everyone at the party stared at the Duchess.

" 'Here is the Duchess, Your Majesty,' stated the guard at the entrance.

"The Duchess quickly floated to where the Queen was, with the cook and the floating stove behind her.

" 'Good afternoon, Your Majesty,' greeted the Duchess, 'Pig!'

" 'What did you just call me?!?' shouted the Queen, just before she gave a loud sneeze from the pepper put into the soup.

" 'I didn't call you anything,' stated the Duchess. 'I was talking to my son.'

" 'Why are you saying that to your son? Achoo! Aught you calm him down from his crying and his sneezing?'

" 'That only encourages him,' answered the Duchess, before she ducked a plate the cook threw at her. And then the Duchess began to sing: 'Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy, Because he knows it teases - '

" 'That's no way to treat a little boy!' scolded the Queen. 'Especially when it's the pepper that's making him sneeze! Achoo!'

" 'Obviously, you've never had one!'

"The Queen became furious at the Duchess. She was ready to call for her guards to behead her when she decided not to, for she would be an interesting person to play against in croquet. She looked again at the cook near the hovering stove whose pepper made the Queen sneeze.

" 'Why is your cook here?' questioned the Queen. 'And why did she bring her stove?'

" 'It is not that she brought the stove with her,' spoke the Duchess, 'but that she left everything else in the kitchen behind.'

" 'You speak nonsense!' exclaimed the Queen before another sneeze. 'But why is the cook here in the first place?'

" 'Because I left everything else behind but the cook.'

"The Queen was about to shout out, 'Off with her head!', when she noticed a Chesire Cat beside her smiling up at her.

" 'Why's that cat smiling at me?' questioned the Queen to the Duchess.

" 'Because it can,' answered the Duchess, 'They all can, and most of them do.'

" 'Tell it to stop!' ordered Her Majesty.

" 'I can't speak to it,' answered the Duchess. 'It's too busy grinning.'

" 'Then it must be stupid,' said the Queen.

"The Queen walked away from the strange Duchess and went over to the King.

" 'Please tell me why we invited the Duchess,' said the Queen to the King, as he turned around from his conversation with the Knave of Hearts.

" 'My dear,' spoke the King, 'you wanted her to come because she was interesting. By the look of her, she's being that. Besides, you haven't even played croquet with her yet. Achoo!' sneezed the King. 'What's making me sneeze?'

" 'It's the pepper the Duchess' cook is putting in her pot,' answered the Queen.

" 'Why would she have a pot here?'

" 'Because she left everything else behind,' stated the Queen, and went off to mingle with the White Rabbit.

"The rest of the mingling part of the party went as so until the croquet games were ready to be played. The Queen challenged the Duchess to a game of croquet, which she gladly accepted. As the Queen picked her flamingo and hedgehog, she watched as the Duchess carelessly threw her baby out of her arms to land in the White Rabbit's arms unexpectedly. The Duchess got her flamingo and her hedgehog as well and went over to the Queen to play croquet.

"The Queen was the first to start, and when she knocked the hedgehog with the flamingo, it went right under all the guards arching on their hands and feet. When it was the Duchess' turn, she hit the hedgehog with her flamingo, and sent it flying out of the courtyard.

" 'Get that hedgehog!' ordered the Queen to her guards, who rushed out of the courtyard to get the little creature. 'I take it that you're not a very good croquet player.'

" 'And the moral of that is: no one is good at everything.'

" 'I'm good at everything!' stated the Queen.

" 'How do you know? Have you tried everything?'

" 'No.'

" 'Then how can you tell if you're good at everything?'

" 'Because I'm the Queen of Hearts!'

" 'And that you are.'

" 'That's it, off with - '

" 'Here's the hedgehog, Your Majesty,' spoke the Queen's guard when he came back with other guards with the hedgehog in his hand.

" 'Fine then. Continue the game!'

" They continued the game, and the Queen realized that the Duchess was fairly bad at croquet. She loved the thrill of winning, especially winning over such a mad woman. After the game was finished and four of the guards who didn't take their places in time, 2 of the hedgehogs and 3 of the flamingos were beheaded, the Queen of Hearts decided that playing croquet with the Duchess was very interesting, as long as the Duchess knew her place."

That was interesting, I thought to myself when the Queen was done. Many of my classmates around me stood in shock with their eyes wide and jaws dropped, which I guessed they looked so because of the strangeness and madness of the story, and how strange and mad the Queen of Hearts was.

"Since we're finished both of the chapters, you will be answering questions about the stories you've read. Get out a pen and a sheet of paper to write these questions down and then answer them."

The Queen took up the chalk next to the blackboard, and started to write out questions about the chapters: 1) What is the name of the Queen of Hearts? 2) Who did the Queen of Hearts rule with as the Queen of Hearts? 3) How did the Queen of Hearts rule as the Queen of Hearts?

And so on. I wrote down the questions from the board onto my sheet of paper, but I noticed something sitting on the desk at the front of the class. I looked over to see what it was, and I observed that the thing sitting on the desk seemed to be a furry creature with a rather large smile across its face. The Chesire Cat! The cat noticed I was watching it, and grinned at me mischievously. Why didn't anybody else see the Cat?

"You're looking at me, aren't you?" spoke the Chesire Cat to me. I didn't want to get in trouble with the Queen, so I decided to look away and continue doing my work. The Chesire Cat continued. "Are you trying to ignore me? The Queen won't mind, she's too busy writing silly questions on the board."

"That's what you think," I whispered.

"Who said that?" spoke the Queen, turning around to spot who spoke. The Chesire Cat suddenly disappeared before she could see it. I hoped I wouldn't get caught. The Queen couldn't find out who spoke, so she turned back to the board.

"You don't need to worry!" said the Chesire Cat, reappearing again. Now everyone noticed the Chesire Cat and stared at both the cat and I. "She won't know it's you! You're the teacher's pet, she won't behead you."

"I'm not a teacher's pet!" I said through my teeth.

"WHO SAID IT?" spoke the Queen in a booming voice, her face red with anger. "I know someone spoke! Who said it?"

Thank goodness for my wonderful class, they spoke not a word about what about what happened. Everyone looked at the Queen as if confused what she was saying. She huffed and turned back to the board. What a close call!

But unfortunately, that Chesire Cat had quite some nerve to appear a third time and tease me, but including the class this time.

"You're all a bunch of wimps!" chuckled the Chesire Cat. "She's just a fat and rather stupid lady!"

"Would you stop it already?" I said to it angrily.

"TELL ME WHO SPEAKS AGAINST MY AUTHORITY OR IT'S OFF WITH ALL YOUR HEADS!!!!" roared the furious Queen. Her face was red as a tomato, with large puffs of steam blowing out of her ears and nostrils. I noticed that the Chesire Cat hadn't disappeared yet, it still chuckling, so I decided to speak.

"Your Majesty, it's the Chesire Cat speaking!" I told her, pointing to the creature on her desk. Her Majesty glared down and saw the devilish feline on her table, as it turned around and gave her a large grin.

"NOT YOU AGAIN!!!" screeched the Queen before she tried to grab the cat, but before she could get her hands on it, the creature disappeared.

"GRRR!!!!" she growled in fury. I noticed the Chesire Cat's head appear right above the Queen, sticking its tongue out at all of us and the Queen. Lina Agdalena pointed at the cat's head above the Queen. Her Majesty realized there was something above her, so she looked up and saw the Chesire Cat's head floating above hers, chuckling and smiling at her. She tried to grab the cat's head by jumping up to get it. The Chesire Cat's head immediately disappeared before it mumbled a proud "Good bye!" just as the Queen of Heart's hands rose up to catch it. The Queen huffed and puffed, then decided to get back to the board.

A while later, our whole class finished the questions and we corrected them together with the Queen.

"Louis Sanderson," spoke the Queen to the large boy sitting in the back of the room, "Question 1) What is the name of the Queen of Hearts?"

"Uh, the Queen of Hearts?" answered Louis in a dull voice.

"That wasn't put into a complete sentence! It's wrong! Off with your head!!!!"

Two of her guards barged into the room and tried to take away the large boy by dragging him on the floor and out of the door. The Queen turned to Lina Agdalena.

"Lina Agdalena, what is the name of the Queen of Hearts?"

"The name of the Queen of Hearts is the Queen of Hearts," answered Lina.

"Right! George Brians, Question 2) Who did the Queen of Hearts rule with as the Queen of Hearts?"

"The Queen of Hearts ruled with the King of Hearts as the Queen of Hearts," answered George.

"Excellent! Steve Lucas," said the Queen to a tall and blond boy in the corner, "Question 3) How did the Queen of Hearts rule as the Queen of Hearts?"

"Uh... The Queen of Hearts ruled as the Queen of Hearts... really, really well?"

"NO! That is incomplete! Off with his head!!!"

Once again, the two guards barged in and took away another student for some lame reason. A drop of sweat dropped down my neck as I saw the Queen of Hearts stare at me.

"Alice Dolly," spoke the Queen, "how did the Queen of Hearts rule as the Queen of Hearts?"

I took in a deep breath and stated my answer. "The Queen of Hearst ruled as the Queen of Hearts very well and with a very regal manner, making sure her authority was proven by beheading anyone who defied her, didn't respect her, or who she just didn't like..." I finished reading aloud my answer, though by the look in the Queen's eye, she expected more from me. I decided to add more. "... Therefore, the rule of the Queen of Hearts was magnificent, her reign majestic and legendary to her kingdom and anyone to set foot into her court."

The Queen's face lit up with joy, her mouth spread out in a large grin and her cheeks blushing. The Queen clapped loudly. "That is the best answer I have ever heard! It touched me ever so much," she said as she pulled out a tissue to dab the tear that dropped from the corner of her eye. "Well done!"

"Thank you, Your Majesty," I expressed, grateful I managed to give a great answer to save my head. But goodness, did I ever sound like a teacher's pet! Maybe that Chesire Cat was right.

The Queen of Hearts continued asking students questions, and thank goodness, she didn't ask me for an answer again. Four more students were dragged away because of wrong or misspoken answers. By the time we had finished answering questions, half the class was gone. I looked up at the clock on the wall and saw that there were 15 more long minutes of English class. Despite the shocking and - dare I put it as - 'interesting' class, it was starting to become monotone with these beheadings, and Her Majesty was just plain scary.

"Now class, I have planned for a - "

Her announcement was interrupted by the door swinging open with great force and two strange characters (one was a man with a large hat, the other a hare who stood up and acted like a man) entering the classroom pulling a long trolley covered in white cloth, with a dormouse sleeping on top. Without a second thought, I knew that it was the Hatter, the March Hare and the sleepy dormouse, all come to have a mad tea-party!

"What are you doing here?" questioned the Queen of Hearts in a thundering voice.

"We've come to celebrate!" exclaimed the Hatter.

"Celebrate what?"

"Why, don't you know what today is?" asked the March Hare.

"No, what is today?"

"Well that's easy," mumbled the sleepy Dormouse, its eyes slightly open. "Today is the day right between yesterday and tomorrow, you can't miss it."

"I didn't mean that!" yelled the Queen, startling the poor creature. "I meant to say, 'What is it today that we're celebrating?' "

"We're celebrating?" asked the Dormouse.

"Yes!" responded both the Hatter and the March Hare in frustration.

"What are we celebrating?"

"THAT'S WHAT I WAS ASKING!!!" roared the Queen of Hearts, making the Dormouse jump.

"Today's you're unbirthday!" pronounced the March Hare and the Hatter to the Queen.

"Really? Oh goody! Will we have a party?"

"Of course we will!" said the Hatter.

"We're having a tea party!" said the March Hare.

"Everyone, put the desks together to make one long table!" ordered the Queen.

All the students obeyed the Queen of Hearts and put all the desks together along the width of the classroom to make one large table. The Queen sat down at one end of the table, and everyone else sat around her. I tried to keep my distance from the Queen and decided to sit at the end. The Hatter pulled out a rolled-up tablecloth from behind the cloth of the trolley and rolled it out as tea cups, plates and all other tea accessories appeared onto the tablecloth as it unravelled. Everyone muttered such sounds as 'Oooh!' and 'Awe!' as they saw the tea sets appear before them.

Once the tablecloth and the tea sets were in place, the March Hare pulled out a birthday cake, covered in various colours of icing and in chocolate icing was written "HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY, QUEEN OF HEARTS". The March Hare started singing "Happy Birthday" changed to "Happy Unbirthday", and by the second verse everyone had joined in singing (the Dormouse was saying "Happy, happy, happy" over and over again as he half-slept). The March Hare put down the cake in front of the Queen, and once the song was done, the Queen blew out the candles.

The cake was cut up and passed out to everyone. I had to admit, the cake was highly delicious with its bits of every fruit and sweet thing imaginable, making very many "mad" combinations. There was kiwi, pineapple, mango (and I don't know how these Wonderlanders got a hold of tropical fruit, then again, the place is strange...), maple syrup, honey, caramel, apple, the list goes on. I was very much enjoying the last bites of my cake with a few sips of tea when, by an absolute stroke of unluckiness, the Hatter sat beside me, the March Hare across from me and the Dormouse put between them, still sleeping. They all looked at me with a creepy smile (except for the Dormouse, he was too sleepy to make any expression).

"Hello!" spoke the Hatter. "And what's your name, missy?"

"My name's Alice," I responded.

"Alice?" repeated the March Hare. "Hatter, did you hear that? This girl's named Alice! Dormouse!" spoke the March Hare to the Dormouse, grabbing the little creature and shaking him out of his slumber. "Did you hear her? Her name's Alice!"

"Well we've all got a name," muttered the Dormouse, going back to sleep.

"Oh, forgot him!" stated the Hatter and turned back to me. "We knew a girl named Alice."

"Really?" I enquired, and I could have sworn it was the perfect time to put a pointed hat on my head with "ACTING DUMB" written on it.

"Yes, we really did. We met her a few months after he went mad," said the Hatter pointing at the March Hare who had a twitch in his eye. Even with the twitch, he heard what the Hatter said and looked insulted.

"I wouldn't judge if I were you!" spoke the March Hare to the Hatter angrily. "You're mad too!"

"So? He's mad too!" said the Hatter pointing to the Dormouse. The March Hare jabbed the Dormouse, waking him up again. The Dormouse looked annoyed.

"What is it now?" mumbled the Dormouse.

"The Hatter says that you're mad," stated the March Hare.

"Well we're all a bit mad here," spoke the Dormouse.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?" shouted the Queen furiously, making the whole room shake and everyone quiver in their seats. "I AM NOT MAD AT ALL!!!"

"I assume the Dormouse meant that we were all a bit mad, and that mad could either be angry or crazy," I said aloud to calm her down. "And I assume he meant that in your case, we all might be a bit angry once in a while. No offence, Your Majesty."

"Thank you, dear Alice," said the Queen sweetly. "And I think I am a bit mad right now too. At least someone knows who has the highest authority in this room," said the Queen, eyeing the Hatter, the March Hare and the Dormouse. The Queen turned back to her cake, as did everyone else, and tried to forget the whole incident.

"Teacher's pet," mumbled the March Hare with the Hatter and Dormouse nodding in agreement (the Dormouse nodding himself to sleep).

"I am not teacher's pet," I whispered to him.

"Then why do you act so?" questioned the Hatter.

"I just want to keep my head on, that's it."

"Why would you think that?" enquired the Hatter. "Is it falling off?"

"You could use butter to help it stick on, you know," suggested the March Hare. "As long as you don't put crumbs in it."

"I used it to fix my watch," said the Hatter, taking out his pocket watch and swinging it around, "but it's quite slow. It's two days wrong!"

"You have one of those watches that show the day of the month, don't you?" I enquired.

"Yes, and I'm glad you catch on a lot quicker than that other Alice we met," spoke the March Hare.

"But if it's two days wrong, wouldn't that mean it's still not fixed?"

"Exactly!" said the Hatter, eyeing the March Hare angrily.

"What? It was the best butter to use!" said the March Hare to defend himself. "Besides, it was probably the crumbs that made it so."

"That's because you used the bread knife," implied the Hatter. "I'll never let you fix my watches again!"

"That's what you're always doing to me! You've never let me fix anything you have since I tried to fix your watch!" said the March Hare.

"Exactly!" said the Hatter. "I will still never let you fix my watches."

"What class is this anyway?" enquired the March Hare. "Is it Math class?"

"No, it's Geography class!" said the Hatter.

"You're both wrong," I stated. "It's English class."

"Why don't they have Sleeping class anymore?" inquired the Dormouse, slightly woken up. "They used to have that in my day."

"They don't have Sleeping class anymore because it makes everyone sleepy look you, you silly rodent!" spoke the March Hare.

"That explains a lot," stated the Hatter.

"Well you learn something everyday, don't you?" said the Dormouse.

"Since we're in English class," continued the Hatter, "why don't we do something about English, like poems?"

"Like limericks!" suggested the March Hare.

"Wow, I love limericks!" said a small red-headed boy next to me named Alex Henrix, who was listening in on our conversation for a long time now.

"I wasn't talking to you, boy!" scolded the March Hare, and quickly Alex became quiet and went back to drinking his tea.

"So, what limericks should we say?" I asked.

"I've got one!" said the March Hare, and he cleared his throat to begin:

"There once was a man named Stu,

who had to go for a very big - "

"Goodness, not that limerick!" told off the Hatter to the March Hare. He then whispered in my ear, "That was the poem he made up the day before he went - well, know..."

"Oh," I said with a nod of my head.

"Do you have any?" asked the Hatter.

"Yes I do," I answered, remembering one I had made up the previous year. "Here it goes:

There once was a girl named Pam

who always loved to eat ham.

She ate some meat,

which smelled like feet

and now she's afraid to eat Spam."

"Bravo!" said the March Hare, and before I knew it, everyone at the table started clapping. I mumbled a small "Thank you" back to them. "I never really liked Spam," stated the March Hare.

"They have that stuff in Wonderland?" asked Helen Prolini.

"Of course we do," spoke the Queen of Hearts. "We have every kind of food you have in this world. Except for hot dogs, anyway. We banned those; you can never know what's really in them."

"Very true," mumbled the Dormouse.

"Dormouse, do you have any limericks to say?" asked the Hatter.

"In fact I do," spoke the Dormouse, "and here it is:

There once was a dormouse named Dormouse,

who liked to sleep quite a lot.

He really liked tea,

and biscuits too,

except for those with peanut butter, especially the crunchy kind."

"That wasn't a limerick!" stated the March Hare. "It didn't even rhyme. Limericks have to rhyme!"

"Says who?"

"Says I!"

"So?"

"So what?"

"You should - "

"STOP BICKERING OR IT'S OFF WITH YOUR HEADS!!!" yelled the Queen, which stopped the argument between the March Hare and the Dormouse.

"Now I know why you're a teacher's pet," whispered the March Hare to me.

"Wait a minute," said the Queen, staring at the Hatter. "I remember you from somewhere."

"W-what ever d-do you m-m-mean?" stuttered the Hatter.

"Didn't you sing a song at a concert of mine?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Are you sure, because I remember you singing 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bat', and then - "

She was interrupted by the school bell ringing, signifying the end of class. She dismissed all of us, and we all rushed out of the classroom as quickly as possible. The March Hare and Hatter immediately cleaned up the tablecloth and all and put it on the trolley (along with the Dormouse) and made a brake for it along with the rest of the class to escape the Queen of Hearts.

For the rest of the school day, our teachers wondered where most of the students in our class went, and when we explained to them why they were gone, they gulped down quite hard and continued with the attendance. All our other classes that day seemed abnormally calm compared to the hectic class we had with the Queen of Hearts.

The next day, Mrs. Silvario was well and came back to school. Even all the students sent to be beheaded were back (the school wouldn't allow beheading). We told her about what happened the day before, but she had a hard time believing us. In a peculiar way, I missed the Queen of Hearts, but I had missed Mrs. Silvario even more. I would rather be taught by my own English teacher than the Queen of Hearts, wouldn't you?

Author's Note: Did you like that? If you did, please review! And if you didn't, well, review still - but please don't be rude in the review. It's disrespectful. And be my guest to answering the question I asked: Would you rather be taught by your own English teacher or the Queen of Hearts? I'd love to hear your responses. Here's a limerick like in the story to help you decide your review:

There once was a fanfiction writer,

who loved reviews written for her,

so please click on GO,

write a review so,

Princess-Perfect will be happier.

PLEASE REVIEW! Oh, and if you liked the limerick, "There Once Was a Girl Named Pam", you can review it on my account on My pen-name there is "An-Author-At-Heart".


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